Belated Follow Up

1/22/2017
Dear reader, please note that in the ensuing months my foreboding of disaster came like a heavy rain pummeling me with giant pain drops.
In may of 2013, our grandson Tye, spent his birthday in the mental health unit of the county JAIL in Tampa.  He was picked up for theft arising from the schizophrenia he was diagnosed with the previous year.
And the day he was released from the hospital he killed himself.
On June 11, 2013, he walked in an angry cloud to an electric station and jumped onto a transformer.  For the next 3 days he lay in a coma, waiting for me and his g'pa, Babu, to get to him and say goodbye.  We got there on Friday at 3pm.  We talked with him (one-sided as it seemed i know he heard us) and an hour later he was gone.
My heart irreparably broke that day.  All the months leading up to this horror, filled as they were with the feeling of impending doom, could not prepare me for this.
I have several other blogs dedicated to and in memory of our boy.  I have a face book page that seeks to draw out people once in the shadows and offer them a safe spot to share any mental health issues.
I will close this blog now with gratitude to still be around to write it.
Thank you dear readers.
Peace.

seeking shelter from the storm

it is now Sunday, the 21st of April, 2013.  and again i am grieving (or still).  it has been an extraordinary week of pain and shock and sad events.
back up to about a week before the 12th.  i was set to attend a retreat at my beautiful heart-home, Earthsprings. 
my SpiritWomen sisters will be there and i can find safety in their love.  for something inside me was building daily.  i would try really hard to see myself there, in the woods, at a campfire, singing.  but my vision would not stay - it was faded and blocked, like covered by a fog.
and a sense of dread was growing in my gut.  a sense, almost, of doom.  thinking it was a bout of depression (which i experience from time to time) i began to consider not going.   the depth of my despair was such that by thursday that week i sent a message to my sister with whom i was set to ride saying i just could not go.  i wanted to go.  i did not want to go.  i feared that the dread had to do with the retreat, the people there, the trip ... and i prayed and meditated that all my beloveds would be well and nothing would hurt them there.
it was sunday afternoon when that particular worry left me and i realized that, while part of my pain was my own demons, the major challenge was coming from outside of me.  i was walking around with severe headaches, vertigo, and light flashing in my eyes...the physical pain seemed to exacerbate the anticipation of doom.
i am by nature an optimist and i go to extremes to see the best in people and situations.  i was struggling to hold onto that perspective.  but by sunday night i was so distraught that i did not sleep at all.  it was 9 am, on monday, when i finally drifted into a fitful and frustrating sleep ripe with worrisome dreams of trying really hard to get 'things' in order; to organize people and to overcome a loss of voice.  it was awful, but a deep sleep.
around 11:30 am, there is a knock knock knock and a voice saying "excuse me, i am sorry..."  "ma'am?"  at first it seemed to be in the dream then i came closer to the surface of waking and knew it was not.  as i tried to orient myself i rolled towards the bedroom door (with vertigo slamming my energy field against walls and furniture).  there stood the maintenance manager - IN MY ROOM!!!  blinking and trying to shake the fog in my head i heard him say "i have bad news."  just what i needed.  i sit there looking at him and he says our a/c has broken and it will be tomorrow before they can get it fixed.  REALLY?  that's the bad news?  i don't care. 
i nod ok and when he leaves i dress and flip on the tv.  the a/c does not explain my psychic state of impending disaster.  on the news there is a car chase.  cops are pursuing a man accused of killing his girlfriend and baby.  i watch as he wrecks his car and runs into a home with police in tow.  i pray ~ 'please let there be no one home there.  please let him surrender.'  is this the culmination of the premonition of danger? 
when David comes in from running errands i fill him in on the events of my day so far and turn back to show him on the news when all i see all over the tube is the Boston marathon bombing.  so many injured and some dead and someone did this.  and that someone is some mother's child.  and my heart breaks and cries bloody tears for all of the hurt i have seen in this one morning.
the rest of the week was filled with alternating between watching in horror as events unfolded and avoiding watching anything.
West Texas exploded and the danger is getting closer to home.  and there are more dead.  then there was the bomber chase with one killed and a nineteen year old child critically injured.  and his family devastated and shredded.
my grandson is 19 and lives many miles from me.
again i pray as i have been all this week in every minute that passes asking for relief from all the heavy energy and unhealthy vibes lurking behind apparently every tree and wall.
my soul is searching for a shelter from this shit-storm of anger, fear, terror that is raining down on my world.  is there no safety for my spirit?  respite?
the premonition of doom has at last released me a bit - my heart is cracked but no longer squeezed to the point of explosion.
where do we go when it seems that all the usual places are no longer enough to hold us?  my own emotional umbrella does not seem to be enough refuge this time.
that chasm, the deep and dark hole of solitude is looking better.  maybe just a rest while the storm winds subside and i can walk upright again.  maybe a fetal position in a make-shift womb will be some shelter.
maybe i can relight this little candle i carry with me and, like a visual echo, the light will grow.

a birthday march

on december 20, 1969, i turned 21.  the voting age had not yet been lowered to 18, so birthday # 21 was special for me. 
it was also special for the amazing activities that day - and the fact that i had the energy to do it all (i say with a raised eyebrow) back then.  on that day our anti-war protest group gathered for a march...from burk burnette park in downtown fw to general dynamics. 
[aside:  i have googled and binged and wikipediaed and can find nothing, absolutely nothing in the paper or on the news or anywhere about this protest.]
it was about 12 miles from start to finish.  i wore my favorite moccasins and by the end of our trek there were holes in the soles and my feet had blisters.  AND we made an impact because there were lots of folks reporting on us and we were on tv.  there were hecklers (to phrase it politely).   to their crude gestures and remarks we gave the peace sign and now and again others mirrored our finger "V"s and encouraged us.
the police rode alongside of our parade to either protect us or catch us doing something they could arrest us for.  there were the fbi looking guys with the suits, black shoes and white sox...and they made their lists and took photos covertly.
David and i were "marshals" - can you believe it?  we had black armbands to signify that if someone was in trouble or needed help they should come to us.  if they were being hassled they should let us know.  we marched along the perimeter of the line of protestors with signs saying 'make love not war', PEACE, etc.
one of our members (a small group of about 20-25) who was petite and had holes in her shoes too, gave out just about a mile from our destination. 
David carried her on his back - literally - for the last few steps. 
[i don't know where his strength, physically and of character comes from, except from spirit;  he would do the same thing today if someone needed a lift.]
when we got to GD we were met with suspicious eyes for the most part and were told we could not go any further than the gate.  we had brought flowers along with us and we handed them out to the gun holding guards...some pushed them away but so many accepted them and it made me cry to see that people can do so much when they speak out and stand up.  that hearts can be reached by grand AND simple gestures.
we were all so tired and rode gladly back home with friends who had driven along with us in case of emergency.
that night David threw me a surprise birthday party. 
when i look back and re-feel my 21st anniversary of coming into this plane, i am proud.  i DID something very fullfilling to celebrate it.
Happy Birthday to ME!!.

baby's first civil rights protest

i was about 6 months pregnant with Leif when we pulled a 'sting' type caper at Kenny's Club in downtown FW.  I think of it as Leif's first protest.
David's co-worker, Frank, came by with his girlfriend to tell us what had  happened to them.   He and Nancy had gone to a club and sat in a booth and had been refused service.  Frank is Afro-American, Nancy, Caucasion.  They were told by the bartender that the club was 'private' and by invitation only.  Looking for any signs indicating that, they saw none.  When they insisted on service the bouncer guy came out and they felt threatened and left.
Now, at our house, we brainstormed and came up with a plan.  A civil protest. 
So it was that Frank and Nancy went back to their respective homes and changed their appearance as best they could.  When they returned to pick us up they were really incognito ~ Nancy in her short blonde wig covering her long brown hair and Frank in a suit and hat - he even had some funky glasses to complete the outfit.
Off we went to see what we could see.  Nancy and i walked into the bar and sat at a booth.  Waiter comes and takes our order (DP for me and my little one), something more exotic for Nancy.  A man down the way offered to buy us drinks but we refused.  We had no trouble at all getting service.
David and Frank then walk into the club and sit at the bar.  Barkeep says they can not serve them because it is a members only club.  They have him repeat it and say where is it stated?  The manager comes out and says sorry but you'll have to leave as Kenny's is for members and guests of members.
David points to me - by now the 5 or 6 guys (white) in the building are watching and waiting - and David says "what about those ladies over there?"  Manager says they're members.  Frank says "i don't think so."
Manager: "yes they are."
Me:  "no we're not."
David:  " well the pregnant one is not a member; i know for a fact because she is my WIFE!"
A lot of tough talk ensued and quite a few stunned and glaring looks my way.  So we quietly left for our safety but we had made a point even if just to a few. 
Next day, Frank called Ora Compton, with the city's EEOC.  Kenny's owner had to go to court to explain the actions of his staff and was granted a members only option and forced to put a sign in the window that told the public it was a private club.
We have no idea whether it caused them any financial or moral inconvenience, but it did close them down until the issue was settled and maybe it made them, or one of their customers there that night, think about the policy.
I don't know but i was/am glad to have made a statement about how people are treated. 
Leif was interviewed by FW Weekly about his New Black Panther Party involvement several years back.  He was asked where he got his sense of social justice and he told them it was because his mom "dragged" him along to all sorts of protests when he was growing up.
I don't think he realizes (til he reads this anyhow) that his awareness of responsibility to speak up for right began in the womb.

a determined soul

i was just thinking how determined the spirit we call Leif was to be born into this plane.
i had quite a few incidents during my pregnancy with him, and still he came to us, all perfect and beautiful.
we were with our friend Jackie at a concert.  Sly and the Family!   i do not recall the location except it was here in Fort Worth.  where ever it was we had to navigate several [as in a bunch] steps to get to our spots and at some point Jackie and i left the area to go to the RR.
i don't know what caused it but i tripped on the stairs and fell about 5 steps landing on my knees.  it was very jarring to my whole body but of course my first thought was of the baby sitting in my belly.  in my head i could see him being dropped out right then and there.  Jackie was so worried and David saw it from his seat and hurried down.  AND THERE WAS NO DAMAGE.  the little one was fine and so was i.
another event was a minor car wreck that shook up my friend who was driving.  we were running errands and i was in my 3rd trimester and in the passenger seat.  she had just told me - while we we traveling! - that she'd been having some brake issues on the car. 
the words were barely out of her mouth when the car in front of us stopped at the redlight and we did not!  the brakes failed and we hit the rear of the car ahead.  i was thrown forward (those were the days when some cars had seatbelts and others did not and there were no laws about using them) but caught myself before hitting the dash.
and again our baby held onto his mission to come into this world and make it better.
i am so very grateful that spirit was with us all the way and Leif was gifted into our lives.
Nakupenda, son.

for Daddy

before 'the split' i recall only a few things about my dad.  he worked at the airlines...i recall thinking he flew planes and later learned he was in maintenance there.  either way i felt he liked planes.  at his funeral i read a poem by John Gillespie Magee:
                                "High Flight"
" Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth
  And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
  Sunward I’ve climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
  of sun-split clouds, — and done a hundred things
  You have not dreamed of — wheeled and soared and swung
  High in the sunlit silence. Hov’ring there,
  I’ve chased the shouting wind along, and flung
  My eager craft through footless halls of air....

 Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue
  I’ve topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace.
  Where never lark, or even eagle flew —
  And, while with silent lifting mind I have trod
  The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
  - Put out my hand, and touched the face of God."

when i was about 7 my parents split up ... Daddy just went to work one night and never came home.  Mom got a telegram saying he was leaving and marrying her best friend.  Pretty sad. 
seeing how sad our mom was ought to have been enough but we, my lil bro and i, were told that when he left it was US too, not just the marriage but the family.  you can imagine how that hurt a 7 and a 4 yr old?   i took it very seriously and personally and carried a heavy guilt bag around for years.
even though he tried to see us, would come to the door and bring presents and wanted to hug us, we both stood back and reluctantly accepted the gifts w/o a real thank you and definitely no invitation to come in.
with Mom standing back with arms folded, mouth pursed and eyes glaring it was obvious we had to choose.  if we had showed any desire to visit with our dad, it was very clear that, to her, it meant we were betraying her love.
i truly believe that my mama never got the concept of loving - that she really thought it would take love away from her if we also loved our dad.

At 7 i had to choose between parents.  stay with the mother who was working hard to provide food and shelter for us, or go with the father who offered shelter and food as well.  i loved them both.  how could i pick one?  i get really hot on this issue when i see it happening today.  it is wrong.  it set me up for a lifetime of working to understand that i do not have to choose.  if i have 2 friends who do not get along with each other that is their issue, NOT mine.  Hard to reform my thought processes to remove myself from the pull to pick a side...i have my side and that is it.

when i was 19 i began to think that i owed it to myself to see my dad and establish some sort of relationship.  i guess one can take rejection only so long and he had finally quit trying to see us after a few years. 
i decided that there were things beyond my understanding and that i did and do not need to know what the details of the break up were.  BECAUSE IT WAS NOT ME THAT HE DIVORCED.  it was not i who was abandoned. 
so i found his number in a dallas phone book at the library...i had heard he moved to dallas a while back.  and i called him. 
difficult call to make.  i know now i was very brave.  for all i knew, the awful things my mom had said about him were true. 
but i DID call and he was thrilled.  i gave him my address in FW and he came over that night.  he could not wait to reconnect.
and i found myself able to forgive him and let him into my heart.  we kept in touch for the rest of his life.  he seemed so happy to have his "Linda with the dancing eyes", as he called me when i was little, back in his life.

there are a few things i have done in my life that make me smile when i recall them...forgiving my dad and myself, and, finally, my mom are some of them.
there are things we are not meant to understand and some occasions that call for courage and leaps of faith.  Please don't let fear hold you back.
i am at peace in the knowing that i reached out and my reward was love.
             Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

                 "Easy Rider"s
"George: Oh, no. What you represent to them is freedom. Billy: What the hell is wrong with freedom? That's what it's all about.
George: Oh, yeah, that's right. That's what's it's all about, all right. But talkin' about it and bein' it, that's two different things. I mean, it's real hard to be free when you are bought and sold in the marketplace. Of course, don't ever tell anybody that they're not free, 'cause then they're gonna get real busy killin' and maimin' to prove to you that they are. Oh, yeah, they're gonna talk to you, and talk to you, and talk to you about individual freedom. But they see a free individual, it's gonna scare 'em. Billy: Well, it don't make 'em runnin' scared. George: No, it makes 'em dangerous."

i just saw the movie again on tv and had forgotten how harshly it ends.  and doesn't it say something about our current state of affairs in the country that it still applies in so many ways?  people have come far towards equality but we are not there yet.  North Carolina knows!  freedom is scary to so many folks. 

Well watching the movie brought back so many memories - and how funny that the pain and fear and the negative stuff that i felt when these things happened are now anecdotes to be shared and not so life threatening anymore?
When the guy in the pickup, at the end of the movie, pulls out his shotgun and shakes it at Billy, while using some abusive words, i was taken back to a few times when i have had similar experiences.  Thanks to God i was not killed as happened in Easy Rider.  But David and i have had weapons, including shotguns, used to threaten us...both together and separately. 
During protest marches folks drove by and yelled curses at us and a few shook weapons towards us.  In '69, Mike - who is now Father Mike - and a group of us were handing out leaflets in Dallas and really enjoying some support and some lively debates as well.  it was such a shock when Mike handed a man a flyer and the man responded by punching him in the face!
the police have accused us of illegal activity when we had done nothing...with talk of taking us 'downtown' (oh nooo Mr Bill)...because we were different.  and that must mean 'bad'.
And the first time we went to LA, driving through the small, dry towns we came upon many who gave us frights:  stopped for gas and gave the guy a $5 for $3 worth and waited for change which was not to come.  the attendant came back out and leaned against the pump with his hand on his gun.  we decided our lives were worth more than $2 so we headed out with a prayer and a sigh.  there were folks who refused to serve us.  and the truck driver who slowed as he passed us on the highway and put his hand on the shotgun on his back window while glaring at us.
When we were preparing to return that first time to FW, we were told by David's grandpa that he would take David back with him for his dad's funeral but he could not take me.  he felt it too dangerous to have a "white girl" in his car.  i know he must have been nervous all the time that we stayed with him.
there are lots more examples but i won't harp on the violence now.  i was just walking down memory lane because of Peter Fonda and crew and a movie which really did tell some sad truths about human behavior.

My prayer is that your children's children (and mine) will not have to learn them first hand.  let them read my blog instead.  won't that be a glorious day when we only know these lessons by reading about them?