seeking shelter from the storm

it is now Sunday, the 21st of April, 2013.  and again i am grieving (or still).  it has been an extraordinary week of pain and shock and sad events.
back up to about a week before the 12th.  i was set to attend a retreat at my beautiful heart-home, Earthsprings. 
my SpiritWomen sisters will be there and i can find safety in their love.  for something inside me was building daily.  i would try really hard to see myself there, in the woods, at a campfire, singing.  but my vision would not stay - it was faded and blocked, like covered by a fog.
and a sense of dread was growing in my gut.  a sense, almost, of doom.  thinking it was a bout of depression (which i experience from time to time) i began to consider not going.   the depth of my despair was such that by thursday that week i sent a message to my sister with whom i was set to ride saying i just could not go.  i wanted to go.  i did not want to go.  i feared that the dread had to do with the retreat, the people there, the trip ... and i prayed and meditated that all my beloveds would be well and nothing would hurt them there.
it was sunday afternoon when that particular worry left me and i realized that, while part of my pain was my own demons, the major challenge was coming from outside of me.  i was walking around with severe headaches, vertigo, and light flashing in my eyes...the physical pain seemed to exacerbate the anticipation of doom.
i am by nature an optimist and i go to extremes to see the best in people and situations.  i was struggling to hold onto that perspective.  but by sunday night i was so distraught that i did not sleep at all.  it was 9 am, on monday, when i finally drifted into a fitful and frustrating sleep ripe with worrisome dreams of trying really hard to get 'things' in order; to organize people and to overcome a loss of voice.  it was awful, but a deep sleep.
around 11:30 am, there is a knock knock knock and a voice saying "excuse me, i am sorry..."  "ma'am?"  at first it seemed to be in the dream then i came closer to the surface of waking and knew it was not.  as i tried to orient myself i rolled towards the bedroom door (with vertigo slamming my energy field against walls and furniture).  there stood the maintenance manager - IN MY ROOM!!!  blinking and trying to shake the fog in my head i heard him say "i have bad news."  just what i needed.  i sit there looking at him and he says our a/c has broken and it will be tomorrow before they can get it fixed.  REALLY?  that's the bad news?  i don't care. 
i nod ok and when he leaves i dress and flip on the tv.  the a/c does not explain my psychic state of impending disaster.  on the news there is a car chase.  cops are pursuing a man accused of killing his girlfriend and baby.  i watch as he wrecks his car and runs into a home with police in tow.  i pray ~ 'please let there be no one home there.  please let him surrender.'  is this the culmination of the premonition of danger? 
when David comes in from running errands i fill him in on the events of my day so far and turn back to show him on the news when all i see all over the tube is the Boston marathon bombing.  so many injured and some dead and someone did this.  and that someone is some mother's child.  and my heart breaks and cries bloody tears for all of the hurt i have seen in this one morning.
the rest of the week was filled with alternating between watching in horror as events unfolded and avoiding watching anything.
West Texas exploded and the danger is getting closer to home.  and there are more dead.  then there was the bomber chase with one killed and a nineteen year old child critically injured.  and his family devastated and shredded.
my grandson is 19 and lives many miles from me.
again i pray as i have been all this week in every minute that passes asking for relief from all the heavy energy and unhealthy vibes lurking behind apparently every tree and wall.
my soul is searching for a shelter from this shit-storm of anger, fear, terror that is raining down on my world.  is there no safety for my spirit?  respite?
the premonition of doom has at last released me a bit - my heart is cracked but no longer squeezed to the point of explosion.
where do we go when it seems that all the usual places are no longer enough to hold us?  my own emotional umbrella does not seem to be enough refuge this time.
that chasm, the deep and dark hole of solitude is looking better.  maybe just a rest while the storm winds subside and i can walk upright again.  maybe a fetal position in a make-shift womb will be some shelter.
maybe i can relight this little candle i carry with me and, like a visual echo, the light will grow.